The rain was pouring incredibly this day in November. Mixed with ice and everything the sky could pour. Me and Charley couldn't stay in the sewer so we were sitting on the curb soaking in the rain. But to me the rain didn't bother me. It felt like nothing. It only numbed me. Which was . . . to me, the best feeling in the world. It's all that I could wish for just to be free of all pain, heartache . . . worry. In that moment I cared not about life or death. Both didn't faze me. Both were the same . . .
My eyes poured no water but the water that rained upon them. My heart beat not fast . . . not slow. It was hard to even feel my heart . . . hear it. I knew not where it was anymore. It was like it had escaped me. Like water on a sunny, hot day. It's gone—subtly. With no hello or goodbye . . . just vanished. My arms, legs, hands felt no pain anymore. My mind was oblivious to all things . . . even money. Like it didn't matter anymore . . . I didn't matter.
My heart no longer screamed . . . like I said it one day disappeared . . . cool breeze signing the start of something new. The breeze had healed me. It was like this awakening . . . this understanding. I no longer hungered. Not physically, not emotionally. I had accepted . . . finally that, I was . . . just was. Nothing spectacular or special. I just was . . . here. Accepting that I was nothing and that nothing ever special . . . like family would happen to me.
All hope . . . and all joy was drained out of me. Not even the slightest hope ran through my veins. All . . . and I mean all was gone. Maybe just a trickle of joy . . . from Kelsey . . . but that was it.
"Eh y'all kids need to go home. Y'all got a place to go? It's supposed to get record cold tonight." I glanced up and saw a white police officer sticking his head out the car. Why the hell you care? I nudged Charley who hadn't even looked up to see who the guy was. He looked up at the police officer and nodded with no visible emotion and said, "Yeah we got a place to stay." The officer gave a worried expression and looked to his partner speaking with him briefly before turning back to us.
"We see y'all again we're taking y'all to county." He drove away on with the roar of many other cars. We stayed seated for awhile before abruptly Charley stood up. He started walking at a fairly fast pace so I hurriedly, like jumping back into life, stood up and followed him. Like a puppy following its master.
"Charley where we going?" He didn't look at me, only kept walking through the pouring rain with a sense of determination. He answered roughly, "Momma's." I stopped dead in my tracks and stood in disbelief.
"Why would we go there just to hear her say get out!? Too bad!" Charley turned around and stared at me with bloodshot eyes.
"We'll die out here." But isn't that what I wanted? Death? Death to just come and snatch me away, instead of playing with me and mocking me at every turn of my head? When would it be my turn to die? To pass and be like dirt? But even dirt is valuable! It grows and multiplies things! Helps and feeds! But me . . . me, I am of no value. If I died no one would mourn, no one would cry. Life would move on as it always had . . . it wouldn't stop for me. It'd spin as it did everyday . . . people would laugh! And children would sing and play! Rich folks would be comfortable in lofty houses, white folks would count their flow . . . nobody would stop for me.
Charley looked at me, compassion in his eyes now and he said words that I will never forget. "There is always a reason to press on. Life is always worth living for and the strong always find a way to survive . . . Never commit suicide at the hand of another." I sighed deeply and shrugged. My mind tired yes, dismayed yes, confused yes . . . but those words meant something . . . knew something. And yet my mind was all these things my heart had a strength that I couldn't explain and to me is apart of my mind . . . So I . . . I walked, preparing my mind as I best knew how.
We came to her house shivering and wet as anything. When she opened the door she stared us up and down quickly and then allowed us in.
"I want you out of my house in the morning." We went into the kitchen and sat down as she disappeared off somewhere. I looked around and noticed how the house was warm and clean. Just as it had been when I first arrived. Such mockery, I thought to myself, such a show. She came back with towels and clothes which she gave to each of us. "I want y'all to wash up real good, and if yah hungry there's food in the pantry and the refrigerator." She stood and looked at us both with a bit of concern, but it faded quickly. "Charley you use the guest and D.J. you can use mine." My body heated up terribly but I tried to ignore it. Charley got up and headed to the guest eager to become dry again.
"Thanks," he muttered. I in turn stood up and headed into her room. She followed behind me and locked the door behind her. I didn't look back at her; I focused all my attention on the bathtub which I started in haste.
"Don't use the tub, use the shower." I turned around and she was leaning against the door frame staring at me intently. I shook my head solemnly knowing exactly where this was leading . . .
