The rain was pouring incredibly this day in November. Mixed with ice and everything the sky could pour. Me and Charley couldn't stay in the sewer so we were sitting on the curb soaking in the rain. But to me the rain didn't bother me. It felt like nothing. It only numbed me. Which was . . . to me, the best feeling in the world. It's all that I could wish for just to be free of all pain, heartache . . . worry. In that moment I cared not about life or death. Both didn't faze me. Both were the same . . .
My eyes poured no water but the water that rained upon them. My heart beat not fast . . . not slow. It was hard to even feel my heart . . . hear it. I knew not where it was anymore. It was like it had escaped me. Like water on a sunny, hot day. It's gone—subtly. With no hello or goodbye . . . just vanished. My arms, legs, hands felt no pain anymore. My mind was oblivious to all things . . . even money. Like it didn't matter anymore . . . I didn't matter.
My heart no longer screamed . . . like I said it one day disappeared . . . cool breeze signing the start of something new. The breeze had healed me. It was like this awakening . . . this understanding. I no longer hungered. Not physically, not emotionally. I had accepted . . . finally that, I was . . . just was. Nothing spectacular or special. I just was . . . here. Accepting that I was nothing and that nothing ever special . . . like family would happen to me.
All hope . . . and all joy was drained out of me. Not even the slightest hope ran through my veins. All . . . and I mean all was gone. Maybe just a trickle of joy . . . from Kelsey . . . but that was it.
"Eh y'all kids need to go home. Y'all got a place to go? It's supposed to get record cold tonight." I glanced up and saw a white police officer sticking his head out the car. Why the hell you care? I nudged Charley who hadn't even looked up to see who the guy was. He looked up at the police officer and nodded with no visible emotion and said, "Yeah we got a place to stay." The officer gave a worried expression and looked to his partner speaking with him briefly before turning back to us.
"We see y'all again we're taking y'all to county." He drove away on with the roar of many other cars. We stayed seated for awhile before abruptly Charley stood up. He started walking at a fairly fast pace so I hurriedly, like jumping back into life, stood up and followed him. Like a puppy following its master.
"Charley where we going?" He didn't look at me, only kept walking through the pouring rain with a sense of determination. He answered roughly, "Momma's." I stopped dead in my tracks and stood in disbelief.
"Why would we go there just to hear her say get out!? Too bad!" Charley turned around and stared at me with bloodshot eyes.
"We'll die out here." But isn't that what I wanted? Death? Death to just come and snatch me away, instead of playing with me and mocking me at every turn of my head? When would it be my turn to die? To pass and be like dirt? But even dirt is valuable! It grows and multiplies things! Helps and feeds! But me . . . me, I am of no value. If I died no one would mourn, no one would cry. Life would move on as it always had . . . it wouldn't stop for me. It'd spin as it did everyday . . . people would laugh! And children would sing and play! Rich folks would be comfortable in lofty houses, white folks would count their flow . . . nobody would stop for me.
Charley looked at me, compassion in his eyes now and he said words that I will never forget. "There is always a reason to press on. Life is always worth living for and the strong always find a way to survive . . . Never commit suicide at the hand of another." I sighed deeply and shrugged. My mind tired yes, dismayed yes, confused yes . . . but those words meant something . . . knew something. And yet my mind was all these things my heart had a strength that I couldn't explain and to me is apart of my mind . . . So I . . . I walked, preparing my mind as I best knew how.
We came to her house shivering and wet as anything. When she opened the door she stared us up and down quickly and then allowed us in.
"I want you out of my house in the morning." We went into the kitchen and sat down as she disappeared off somewhere. I looked around and noticed how the house was warm and clean. Just as it had been when I first arrived. Such mockery, I thought to myself, such a show. She came back with towels and clothes which she gave to each of us. "I want y'all to wash up real good, and if yah hungry there's food in the pantry and the refrigerator." She stood and looked at us both with a bit of concern, but it faded quickly. "Charley you use the guest and D.J. you can use mine." My body heated up terribly but I tried to ignore it. Charley got up and headed to the guest eager to become dry again.
"Thanks," he muttered. I in turn stood up and headed into her room. She followed behind me and locked the door behind her. I didn't look back at her; I focused all my attention on the bathtub which I started in haste.
"Don't use the tub, use the shower." I turned around and she was leaning against the door frame staring at me intently. I shook my head solemnly knowing exactly where this was leading . . .
Monday, July 26, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
About "Love"
"Love" at first was named "To Find The Way" but once I came to the end of the story I realized that that was not a suitable name for the piece. Seeing that towards the end it was not himself that found the way but Christ had found him. The scripture says that "For I have chosen you"; for we have not chosen God, but God has chosen us. The story at first had not even been a story but had originated with me thinking of my future husband and his past--his story. And then in some way it turned into this tragedy that replayed over and over again in my mind. From the hood life of the streets, then to sexual abuse, and then to the indescribable pain and depression. But as this story continued to flow through my mind over the course of months I saw this revival. I saw God work in this boy's life, because after the story started to flow the fact that this had started from me thinking about my future husband disappeared. After about maybe 2-3 months I realized that this story must be written. So I proceeded to copy the story as it flowed through my head. The amazing thing about it was that I never received writers block for more than a week. That's how profusely the story was spilling from my pen. I think also the fact that I was truly involved in the story helped in the fast finishing of the story. The fact that I could feel him, feel his pain, his anger, and could truly sympathize with him. Several times during this story I cried and several times my chest filled with anger and then sickness. I can honestly say that I felt all of the pain that he felt though probably not to the extremity that he had--felt.
And really--I do feel that God had his part in this story because at the beginning of this summer I came down on my left ankle and was out for the remainder of the summer basketball season. During every summer, basketball being my other passion, I would walk to the rec center and stay from 10 or 12 to 6 in the evening. But because of my injury I no longer could walk to the rec center and so I was confined to my house. The funny thing about it, is that as every teen I feel as though nothing can hurt me. And yet it really was true because I'd fallen many times before and injured myself but always came back the next second. Never had I been knocked out for 2 whole months and 3 weeks with an injury. But due to it I finished the book in pretty much four months, because I had started on it I believe 2 months before school ended and finished the book on August 6. Truly I believe it was God's doing.
"Love" contains much degrading speech to women, men, and whites and blacks due to the urban setting in which the story takes place. The book has been written this way to help paint a picture of how the main character and his friends situation is so serious, and also to add a contrast of the lifestyle which comes at the end of the story. Along with the realization of the degrading lifestyle in which the main characters were leading. This does not necessarily represent the views of I the author, especially the racist comments and slurs throughout the story. But it is only there to represent the mindset of the main character. Along with the sexual scenes, since this is a sexual abuse story, they are there only to describe and to shed some light on the outrageous-ness of the crime and the deadly, destructive consequences from it. And lastly the violence throughout the story was thought through thoroughly and was determined that it must be included to again paint a picture of how crazy, delusional, and numb to all care and feeling the main character was. Hopefully this forewarning will be greatly appreciated by the readers reading this book.
I prayed about a month into the book realizing that it was by God that I had this story running in my mind and I now will pray again. This "about the book" was written several months ago, and so many things have happened. Currently I am in a very, very low point in my Christian walk and am struggling literally hour by hour to come back to Christ. I'll just leave it at that... But my opinion is the same concerning this book that it was when I first wrote it. It needs to be read. This story needs to be told. And that is why I have pulled myself with great difficulty out of my slump/depression to finish what I started. I pray that this book to whoever may read it will not become hung up on the degrading speech, violence, and sex, but will be able to see it for what it is and receive the true meaning from the book. That of the love that Christ gives, free of charge, to anyone despite what you've done or who you are. I pray that God be glorified in this and that those reading the book will be touched, but then more than touched--be astounded by the glory of God in the book. And if not believers themselves that they too will become saved.
All glory to God.
And really--I do feel that God had his part in this story because at the beginning of this summer I came down on my left ankle and was out for the remainder of the summer basketball season. During every summer, basketball being my other passion, I would walk to the rec center and stay from 10 or 12 to 6 in the evening. But because of my injury I no longer could walk to the rec center and so I was confined to my house. The funny thing about it, is that as every teen I feel as though nothing can hurt me. And yet it really was true because I'd fallen many times before and injured myself but always came back the next second. Never had I been knocked out for 2 whole months and 3 weeks with an injury. But due to it I finished the book in pretty much four months, because I had started on it I believe 2 months before school ended and finished the book on August 6. Truly I believe it was God's doing.
"Love" contains much degrading speech to women, men, and whites and blacks due to the urban setting in which the story takes place. The book has been written this way to help paint a picture of how the main character and his friends situation is so serious, and also to add a contrast of the lifestyle which comes at the end of the story. Along with the realization of the degrading lifestyle in which the main characters were leading. This does not necessarily represent the views of I the author, especially the racist comments and slurs throughout the story. But it is only there to represent the mindset of the main character. Along with the sexual scenes, since this is a sexual abuse story, they are there only to describe and to shed some light on the outrageous-ness of the crime and the deadly, destructive consequences from it. And lastly the violence throughout the story was thought through thoroughly and was determined that it must be included to again paint a picture of how crazy, delusional, and numb to all care and feeling the main character was. Hopefully this forewarning will be greatly appreciated by the readers reading this book.
I prayed about a month into the book realizing that it was by God that I had this story running in my mind and I now will pray again. This "about the book" was written several months ago, and so many things have happened. Currently I am in a very, very low point in my Christian walk and am struggling literally hour by hour to come back to Christ. I'll just leave it at that... But my opinion is the same concerning this book that it was when I first wrote it. It needs to be read. This story needs to be told. And that is why I have pulled myself with great difficulty out of my slump/depression to finish what I started. I pray that this book to whoever may read it will not become hung up on the degrading speech, violence, and sex, but will be able to see it for what it is and receive the true meaning from the book. That of the love that Christ gives, free of charge, to anyone despite what you've done or who you are. I pray that God be glorified in this and that those reading the book will be touched, but then more than touched--be astounded by the glory of God in the book. And if not believers themselves that they too will become saved.
All glory to God.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Donations for My Book 'Infatuation'
Good afternoon to everyone receiving this message,
I have just started on the process of publishing my book 'Infatuation' after a year long process in writing and editing it. I have a few publishers who are interested in publication of my work and distributing it through book retailers such as, Barnes and Nobles, Amazon, Borders, and etc. My only block is finacial, with the price of this publicating process at $779. I'm asking that if you feel inclined, to donate $5 to $20. Your incentive for this donation would be a free book at the end of the publicating process.
My book, if you don't know already, is an inspirational book based on abuse and how through God you can overcome any obstacle. It is a fiction read and was written primarily for young adults, but is very much a book that can read be by adults as well.
Please if you are able to donate contact me through email, or (I don't know if this appropiate, I'm still a kid) you can mail it to me. P.O. Box 261905, Zip code 75026.
Thank you and have a blessed day,
Candice Thompson
I have just started on the process of publishing my book 'Infatuation' after a year long process in writing and editing it. I have a few publishers who are interested in publication of my work and distributing it through book retailers such as, Barnes and Nobles, Amazon, Borders, and etc. My only block is finacial, with the price of this publicating process at $779. I'm asking that if you feel inclined, to donate $5 to $20. Your incentive for this donation would be a free book at the end of the publicating process.
My book, if you don't know already, is an inspirational book based on abuse and how through God you can overcome any obstacle. It is a fiction read and was written primarily for young adults, but is very much a book that can read be by adults as well.
Please if you are able to donate contact me through email, or (I don't know if this appropiate, I'm still a kid) you can mail it to me. P.O. Box 261905, Zip code 75026.
Thank you and have a blessed day,
Candice Thompson
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