Exclusive From Project In Progress Destiny

I remember faintly the things of the past. The way the sun would rise those days of early childhood years. Where it’d rest lightly on your face, over your eyes, like a mothers hand gently caressing you face and soothingly convincing you to wake up. I remember the days faintly when I’d sit up in my bed and look around, listen to the movements of the house, the sounds of the birds singing outside and the post office driver down the street. I remember faintly climbing out of my bed and down to the floor, walking to my closet with an energy that in few years later I never possessed due to hangovers and substances that hindered me so. But I remember faintly climbing up on the stool in the closet and pulling down my toys from the top shelf and laying them out along my floor in front of me. My friends and my comrades in times of battle, joy, and resignation. My brothers they were to me, where in a world there weren’t any. They sufficed for me, where others never could. They were there when the others went home to their homes. And I remember faintly never being alone or realizing I was alone. I think it was this spirit around, I dare say God. Who sat there like an angel and played with me for hours and hours, and who held me when the time wore on without me. I remember faintly not being aware of being alone.


Curiosity of such a young child is the mystery to me. So pure and sweet. How could you ever manipulate, neglect—hurt. I ask why do you hurt me? Why do you hate me? Am I not human to? Though I can’t speak as well as you, and understanding is tough for me, does that mean that my feelings are invisible? For they say children are to be seen and not heard. But do you see me? Or is it that children are to be had and not heard, the consequence of sexual pleasure. Put them in the corner and hope they amuse themselves . . .

I look down at the ground and sigh deeply. Run my hands over the money and throw one by one down on the ground. My toy soldiers. I walk with them, they keep me. But it’s a lie, but that’s what the world taught me, because momma and daddy weren’t there to tell me otherwise. Seated me in front of the TV and so this is what I saw and this is what I dreamed. Didn’t ask me what I wanted to be, but rather told me. And when I made the biggest mistake of all, choosing to take the other instead of her you stopped talking to me all together . . .

But I grin and throw the money to the floor. You think I’m being disrespectful. I’m just trying to get you to look at me. I ain’t evil. Why you think I’m crazy? I’m just a kid. I wish you could see.

I remember faintly that time when I was a teen and I sagged my pants down by my knees, and I was like a breeze in and out of the house, you never could see . . . I remember when you came to get me from the school and because your focus was your job and not me my lips were connected to Ethan’s. You shunned me for it. You were surprised. I didn’t understand because you never told me otherwise. You tried to talk to me for the first time in your car, that nice Bentley you rolled in back then. I swear you were tighter with him than me. I said fuck you and turned around to the window, said I’m gonna do what I wanna do. Because everything you ever said you never enforced. Plus you seemed two faced anyway. How you gonna have my interest today, but not tomorrow when you came to get me again and my lips was on Allison’s. And then you ain’t said anything.

I throw more money down on the ground and bite the end of my blunt with my lips and bounce my shoulders to a tune in my head.

The tune in which I bounced to was something different and new to you. I made it myself. Combined with the world, and my friends, and the fake niggas, and the hood on the other side of town, and the poverty that struck countries around the world, and my best friend who was molested by his grandmother. And we just bounce. Bounce. Not giving a fuck what nobody think. Reserved that it ain’t gonna get no better so I might as well look out for me and only me.

And for some reason you were confused. Why? When you deserted me and left me to interpret it all on my own. I asked for you to teach me and you refused. I asked you to come to my concert. I remember faintly. And yah know why I remember faintly? Because you didn’t come. Naw, you shook your head and said you wouldn’t come because light ain’t had nothing to do with darkness. But I’m just asking. Don’t the light need to go to the darkness to light it up. But it wasn’t no big deal to me, though it was. I was used to let downs. Clowning around was what got me through it?

I throw another hundred down. I guess it ain’t that bad though dad. I grin to myself again. I’m rich.

You gave me away. So that others would deal with me. Because you felt you couldn’t. But the real reason was that you didn’t want to. You didn’t want nothing to do with me. Yea that’s right you hated me. Deep down inside. Because I made you look bad. No man wants a gay son. But the thing was is that I wasn’t gay. And even if I was I was still your son. But I guess that’s only in Utopia. Took me to this other world. Put me in the hands of men and women I didn’t know and you didn’t either. Who does that with their kid? But I find it ain’t all that uncommon. Them kids raped me. But I grin to myself. You ain’t know that. And I suspect you suspected. But you ain’t wanna know so you never inspected.

And I hate the way them people try and act like gays is something so uncommon so weird and unnatural. It’s natural to be confused. It’s natural to be lost. It’s natural to be caught up. And I hate how people act like they ain’t never thought about it. Try and treat us like we different. And yes I say us. Because them people done treated me better than you ever did.

But I grin, cause it ain’t no biggie. Shit is good. Both ways I suspect. And just to throw it in your face, gays get all my love and affection. Christianity in this world oughta be called hypocrisy. Name that shit as the religion name. Cause a whole bunch of y’all be on that gay shit. I don’t think it’s impossible that someone could be born that way. So best believed and reassured that I’ll keep reppin the rainbow.

But now you wanna message me. Email me. Catch me at a show maybe too. Watch me on yo TV and see how these people praise me. Watch how they give me the time you never gave me. They love me, regardless of which way I swing. Why can’t you? Who cares what my sexual preference is? How bout instead of trying to fix it out right, how bout you start with loving me and listening to me first. But I don’t condone it. Deep down I know it’s wrong.

But in my corner of the room that’s what I interpreted.

I remember faintly waking up one morning and there was D.J. next to me in my bed. The sun’s rays resting on his face as soft as I’d ever seen. I reached over and touched his face. And though I knew it was wrong, I couldn’t stop myself from falling in love . . . Because he was time. And time is fading. Makes it valuable . . . Makes it mean something.

He opened his eyes and softly looked at me with compassion and he knew to, but the thing is, is that we weren’t sure because we didn’t have direction. We couldn’t explain this thing that we had. We didn’t know it was a brothership . . .

So we consummated that day, forever in love. Because we’d been cast into our corner of the world. Nobody wanting to deal with us, speak to us, see us . . . see us.

One element of life—love, was confused and I deceived because you failed to see me. What other areas have you messed with? Maybe my self-esteem? I know for sure D.J.’s was . . . What about money? Religion? God? Education?

Because you never taught me those things . . .

You wanted nothing to do with me after I chose the other . . . After I messed up.

You had me and put me in a corner . . . hoping I’d be able to figure it out on my own.

I throw another hundred down. Look up. And take the blunt from my lips. And exhale deeply.